The Conflict of Judgment

         Conflict within a family is as common as the family itself. Some battles splinter the core of relationships, eviscerating emotional landscapes. The fall out can last a lifetime. There are no easy answers for these confusing, struggles of who is right and who is wrong. What is certain is that we feel hurt and misunderstood, unable to see another view.

        Relationships are intricate, personal, connections that we grow up learning to judge as good, bad, right and wrong.  Frequently, we feel justified judging others for judging us. After all, they judged us first, right?

     Another way we judge is we believe that our family member is making a poor, bad, or wrong decision based on our belief or experience. Our judgment is not about what is right for us, it’s about what we think is right for them. But, judgment is always about us.

     Judgment is based in fear and is a lack of acceptance. If we accept another person’s choices and who they are rather than who we would like them to be, we have a better chance of reconciliation or moving on with love. Many times, we have a hidden belief that “their” poor choice is a reflection of our failure.

      We fear we have failed as parents to teach what we believe is the “right” opinion or outlook. We can wonder how our sibling went so astray or reject a family member for their different choice or view. But does that make our view unequivocally right?

     How many relationships suffer because we judge or feel judged? All we really want is love and acceptance. We hold on to the rejection, hurt, anger and misunderstanding because it’s easier to point a finger and find blame, than to be vulnerable and look within. We march forward with our shield of judgment, exhausted and alone.

    We learn from a young age to judge ourselves and others. We judge so frequently, we don’t even see it. If we open to the truth that judgment is about us and not who we judge, we can forgive and accept. When we let go of judgment and find a positive, we open to love and lift each other up.

   Try these four steps to transform judgment and heal ourselves and relationships.

1.)   Recognize the judgment, 2.) Find the positive, 3.) Change the thought, 4.) Lift the person up.

                                        Changing our judgmental thoughts into positives.

 Judgment                                                                                 New thought

I hate my neighbor’s                                                                       I love how my neighbor                            

tacky yard dwarfs                                                                              expresses happiness with

                                                                                                           her yard dwarfs.

My neighbor is so                                                                                 It’s wonderful that my

tasteless and tacky.                                                                           neighbor wants to share what                         

                                                                                                             brings her happiness.

The truth is, when we have positive thoughts we feel better, are happier and more productive. We don’t need to judge so much. It makes us tired, grumpy and narrow. Try changing judgment for one day and enjoy feeling better.